They Will Never Forget How You Made Them Feel

A post I wrote a month ago, but resonates:

Emotions

The episode of MTV’s Awkward. “*That Girl* Strikes Again” was a little triggering & completely relateable. I love this show. It reminds me of what it was like for me as an outcast & misfit all throughout grade school. I was Jenna Hamilton. And on some level, I still am.

I’m going to confess something: I never did fit in with any of the groups of friends I had back home growing up. Not because that was or is my attitude, or me being over emotional. In fact, quite the opposite. I spent so many years trying to find my way socially. I put a lot of energy into finding a group of people or a perhaps a friend that would see me for who I really am, and I would see them for who they are and we would always be there for one another–even at our very worst. I witnessed so many friends, acquaintances, & classmates that had these bonds that didn’t seem to come as easily to me as it did to them. What I really wanted and still very much want is connection. Someone who is at my level of awareness & sees more to this world than meets the five senses; sees the truths of the world that some can’t or don’t want to see. I long for relationships that are built on compassion, understanding, & truth. Something layered, real and tangible, and I won’t settle for less. I never thought that was a lot to ask for. No one is perfect, obviously. What matters is that bond; the connection.

You have no idea how blessed I am to have some of the friends that have entered into my life the last three years. You know who you are.

On the other hand, I enjoy my own company, and my knack for doing something different has led me to exactly where I need to be.

Still though, no matter how much time passes, certain experiences that left an emotional mark–maybe not a scar, but a mark can spark a slight triggering reaction deep inside of us. We don’t or can’t just “get over it,” like many who don’t understand, though well intentioned, seem to misguidedly suggest to us. In tonight’s episode, Jenna’s lack of interest in feeling the need to dress up for Halloween lead some social climbers to post up on her school’s bulletin board two lists: One labeled “The Hot List” & the other “The Not List.” Jenna’s boyfriend, Matty and her best friend, Tamara & her boyfriend, Jake made the hot list while, of course, Jenna was listed #1 on “The Not List.”

It had a subtle triggering effect on me because when I was in 6th grade a classmate of mine (who I won’t name here) put together a purple notebook that she called “The Cool Book.” She wrote everybody’s name in it, starting with–you guessed it–all of the names of those in the ‘in-crowd’, then everyone else in the last few pages. Everyone’s name was in that book, except for mine and a couple others. When I confronted her about why she wrote most of our class (class of 2006) and left me out, she wrote my name in it. Boy, was that a mistake. “The Cool Book” was like a year book, only not. It was more like a rating system. It would get passed around from class to class where others would write how they really felt about the person.

I remember getting the notebook and looking at the page with my name on it, and finding some pretty nasty things written there about me. I remember how I felt. I cried really hard when I got home that day. I told my teacher the very next day, and the classmate who wrote it had to take it home.

I share this, not because I’m hanging on to this memory & not letting it go, or to hold a grudge, or to feel sorry for myself. I share this story because I want to let others who have gone through, or are going through, similar experiences to know that they are not alone. I have been there and you will not be made to feel that way around me.

Most of all, I share this because I want others to know that it’s these little things that build into bigger things later on in life, and spreading joy & happiness & showing someone compassion & kindness, rather than trying to send them negative energy, hatred, & trying to diminish their light, can have a tremendous effect on the core of a persons very soul.

To close out with a quote, that I started with, by Maya Angelou:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

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